Op-Ed: Top 10 Senses I Acquired after Chewing 5-Gum

If you’ve ever seen a commercial for 5-Gum, then you probably know their slogan, “Stimulate Your Senses.” Most people think that refers to the intense mint flavor, but it does much more than freshen your breath! When I tried this gum, I actually gained approximately 27 new senses. Here’s my ranking of my top ten favorite senses that I acquired after chewing 5-Gum.

1. Ability to see UV rays

This one is great for a day at the beach! I love seeing just how much dangerous UV radiation my friends and I are soaking up.

2. Ability to determine the exact amount of airborne fecal matter in one breath

Who farted, am I right? Well now, I can pinpoint where the particles are strongest and call out the culprit right away with perfect accuracy.

3. Ability to hear the thoughts of crickets

So cool! They mostly just think about sex.

4. Ability to feel sticky at all times

Everyone loves that feeling when they have honey all over their hands. I get to have that feeling all the time! Thanks, 5-Gum!

5. Ability to feel a magnetic attraction to where I was born (like salmon!)

This isn’t really directly useful because we have Google Maps, but in a strange way it’s nice to know if I ever need to get to the hospital and my phone is dead.

6. Ability to smell fear, but only my own

Very useful when I need to figure out if I’m afraid or if I’m just anxious.

7. Ability to see the world in Minecraft blocks

Maybe I’ll find diamonds!

8. Ability to taste MSG in anything, even if it isn’t there

MSG is yummy, so now everything tastes even better than before.

9. Ability to sense the slow and constant motion of tectonic plates

I’ll be the first to know if a mountain range will form in one million years.

10. Tasty minty flavor

Nice!

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