Breaking: DEA Busts “Massive TdA Ring”, Arrests 15 High Schoolers Selling Takis

In a joint statement with the Drug Enforcement Agency, Authorities in La Racista, New Mexico announced on Friday the arrest of fifteen high schoolers in connection to Venezuelan criminal organization Tren de Aragua. The teenagers were caught after posting pictures of 18-packs of Takis with captions such as “selling tomorrow, 50 cents a bag” and “who want sum come get it.”

Federal and local enforcement of gang-related crimes has increased since the election of Donald Trump, whose promise to tackle Venezuelan gangs was critical to his electoral victory. Of the arrests, the president said on his platform, TruthSocial, “Very good stuff happening in LA RACISTA! Local police HEROES to deport 15 ILLEGAL ALIENS. Don’t sell TAKIS in America! Keep AMERICA AMERICAN! PROTECT PATRIOTS!”

As of now, it is unclear where the students received their supply from, though preliminary investigations cite the local Walmart as a possible distribution point. Health and Human Services secretary Robert F. Kennedy is expected–after a few more lines of nose candy–to use the arrests as a springboard for an investigation into Takis-brand owner Grupo Bimbo and industry peers for their inclusion of artificial dyes in their products, citing health concerns of diets consisting of anything except bear carcass and heroin.

La Racista Chief of Police Trump D. Sucker said of the arrests, “Yeah, it was a massive breakthrough. Massive. Got them Tren de Aruba (sic.) bastards. That’ll teach ‘em to disrupt the supply chain again.”

“Try selling drugs in La Racista,” said Sucker in a direct address to the people of New Mexico. “See what happens. We’ll deport you to El Salbidalia or Australia or something. We don’t discriminate here–man, woman, child, or otherwise–come here sellin’ drugs and we’ll lock you up.”

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