With just one day to go until the New York City mayoral election, anticipation is running high and Ambien is running low. Regardless of what the final voting results are, there’s one final test that all candidates must pass: Are their souls pure enough for the weighing of the hearts as described in the Egyptian Book of the Dead?

For non-New Yorkers unfamiliar with the process, Anubis, the jackal-headed Egyptian god of the Underworld, will weigh one’s heart against a feather representing Ma’at, the goddess of justice and order. Hearts lighter than the feather pass into the underworld, while those heavier are fed to the crocodile-headed creature Ammit. New York City first adopted the practice as a part of their electoral process in 1802, at a time when other cities like Philadelphia still mainly used tests like the 100-meter butterfly or Harry Potter drinking games.

The practice, if unorthodox, has proven impressively resilient against outside tampering. Mafia boss Lucky Luciano, colluding with Egyptian trickster god Set, attempted to weigh down candidate Fiorello LaGuardia’s heart with scarab beetles in the 1941 election, but this failed after Ammit, tired of his souls-only diet, ate the scarabs. Michael Bloomberg tried and failed to bribe Anubis with $200 million in the 2001 election despite his eventual victory.

In response to a Flipside reporter’s question for their thoughts on the heart-weighing process, this is what each candidate had to say:

Zohran Mamdani (D)

“Listen, I’m all about improving the cost and quality of living for hardworking New York families, period. Surely Anubis, who probably must pay exorbitant rent to Lord Osiris, knows what I’m talking about here. I refuse to let this city’s billionaires devour the working class, and I refuse to let Ammit devour my heart for fighting for what I believe.”

Andrew Cuomo (I)

“Zohran’s dangerous, period. He’s not a real New Yorker and doesn’t even know all the lyrics to ‘Uptown Girl’ or ‘Empire State of Mind.’ I’m 100% for the people, and the only things I’ll be touching on as mayor are real issues. Ammit probably loves me after I gave him all those seniors’ souls while locking you up during COVID. I’ll be fine, fuhgeddaboudit.”

Curtis Sliwa (R)

“I have a strong heart, strong enough to survive 15 gunshots from back in the ‘80s and certainly strong enough to pass the weighing. I’m tough on crime, whether it’s on the subway or in the realm of the gods. Put me on the sun boat with Lord Ra, I’ll bitch slap the chaos spent Apophis and throw his ass in Sing Sing, just you see. Uh, anyways, my favorite soda is RC Cola.”

Stay tuned for the election results to see whose soul passes the test!