Author Archives: Zoe Pearl

Premed Still Unsure Who Won Election

SOMEWHERE DEEP WITHIN THE RECESSES OF TECH — After spending all of Tuesday night in Tech Library studying for his Orgo midterm, freshman Justin Forster emerged earlier today completely unaware of who won the presidential election. “Oh shit,” said a disheveled Forster when reached for comment. “I-I guess I was so worried about [studying] that I just completely forgot [the election] was happening. I’m not even sure how long I’ve been in there for.” Forster went on to explain that

Mute Man Trapped in Plexiglas Box Mistaken for Street-Performing Mime

CHICAGO – Workers Tuesday were painting a large mural on the side wall of a new apartment complex when a sudden gust of wind knocked a bucket of silver paint onto area mute man Nick Campbell, who was taking a casual afternoon stroll. The blinding mixture caused him to stumble into a large Plexiglas box, which promptly locked behind him. Campbell silently attempted to call for help and pushed his hands against all sides of the box in hopes of