Midterm to Test Freshmen’s Basic Human Skills

EVANSTON – The Group for Training Freshmen in Observance, or GTFO, released a statement Monday demanding that all freshmen be forced to take a midterm exam grading them on their life skills.

This exam will test students in 3 major categories of living, including not annoying the shit out of people, not looking like a dumbass, and personal hygiene.

Questions under the first category will cover topics such as having a public break-up in the 3rd floor lounge, saving seats for 14 people in Intro to Fiction, and Skyping your long-distance boyfriend of 3 months for 5 hours every night.

Sample questions from the other two categories may look like this:

If you live in a single and you leave the room, fully intending to close the door behind you, what is ONE thing you should bring?

People enjoy stepping in your nasty hairballs that are tangled up in the shower drain. T / F

This exam is meant to make freshmen realize that they are not exempt from basic rules of living that nearly everyone else acknowledges.

“We know that it can be difficult to live on your own for the first time, but really. It’s not that hard to make Easy Mac without setting off the fire alarm at 2 in the morning,” says Mary Lawrence, director of GTFO.

The exam will not be graded on a curve, due to the fact that any functioning human being should be able to score perfectly.

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