Category Archives: No. 65

Freshman Participates in Dance Marathon, Gives Up After Two Miles

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CHICAGO – Clarence MacMillan, a member of the class of 2015, tried to complete last week’s Chicago marathon while dancing. The Weinberg freshman was seen fist-bumping and electric-sliding his way through the first two miles before a fellow contestant explained about what a complete asshole he looked like. “Everyone on Facebook was talking about signing up for Dance Marathon, I thought I would give it a shot,” he said. “They mentioned something about thirty hours, and like, come on bro,

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Man returns iPhone 4S after alleged sexual harassment

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TOPEKA – One man of Tecumseh, Kansas who prefers to be referred to only as “Brian,” is filing charges against Apple for sexual harassment by the new iPhone’s voice-recognizing assistant. “It all started off alright,” Brian said, “I was excited about the new update, I unboxed it right away…it all seemed so normal.” Brian says that he should’ve taken the phone’s first interaction with him more seriously. “I started it up, and the first thing it said was, ‘What’s your

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Gothic Rock Band “The Flying Buttresses” a Soaring Success

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HAMBURG, Holy Roman Empire – From the far West of Berlin to distant East Amsterdam, the entire world is up in arms over the hellfire hot new band The Flying Buttresses. With a repertoire full of popular ballads like “Hey You, Get off of My Pew,” “Us and Him,” and “I’ve Got 95 Theses but a Byzantine Ain’t One,” The Flying Buttresses are the most successful band in the Empire since The Painted Glass. The Flying Buttresses have vaulted to

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Midterm to Test Freshmen’s Basic Human Skills

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EVANSTON – The Group for Training Freshmen in Observance, or GTFO, released a statement Monday demanding that all freshmen be forced to take a midterm exam grading them on their life skills. This exam will test students in 3 major categories of living, including not annoying the shit out of people, not looking like a dumbass, and personal hygiene. Questions under the first category will cover topics such as having a public break-up in the 3rd floor lounge, saving seats

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Kobe Bryant Unlocks NBA’s Chastity Belt; Stern Says Put a Ring on It

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LOS ANGELES – While on an archaeological dig in Turkey, Kobe Bryant discovered the key to David Stern’s chastity belt. “Now that we have this key at our disposal, the lockout seems like a joke,” said Los Angeles Laker Derek Fisher. “All we have to do now is find Stern’s keyhole, and we can mount better negotiations.” Stern is still standing firmly erect with the owners on the lockout issue as of now. “Look, I understand Mr. Bryant has discovered

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Congress Would Rather Sit on Their Asses

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WASHINGTON – Congress has voted down the latest edition of President Obama’s jobs bill that would have legally required Americans to get jobs. The proposal was met with fierce opposition from Congressmen who would rather sit on their asses instead. The vote has been interpreted by political analysts as a legislative act defending the rights of the lazy. Senators gave impassioned speeches about the freedom to “do absolutely nothing” and to “be a couch potato,” saying that Americans have a

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