Author Archives: Steven Goldstein

Students Excited for Money, Food, and Clothes Weekend

EVANSTON – Northwestern students are eagerly anticipating the annual Money, Food and Clothes Weekend, which will take place this year from November 11-13. The money, food and clothes will be flying and driving from all around the country, some even traveling overseas to reach campus.  The money, food and clothes will accompany students to this weekend’s home football game against Rice; a few commodities will sit in on Friday afternoon lectures.  These valuables will also ask their students if they

Freshman Participates in Dance Marathon, Gives Up After Two Miles

CHICAGO – Clarence MacMillan, a member of the class of 2015, tried to complete last week’s Chicago marathon while dancing. The Weinberg freshman was seen fist-bumping and electric-sliding his way through the first two miles before a fellow contestant explained about what a complete asshole he looked like. “Everyone on Facebook was talking about signing up for Dance Marathon, I thought I would give it a shot,” he said. “They mentioned something about thirty hours, and like, come on bro,

Yankees Pull Total Dick Move on Red Sox

BOSTON – Major League Baseball’s investigation of the New York Yankees has finally concluded, with the official report ruling that the Bronx Bombers are still total douchebags. This examination came at the request of the Red Sox, who would not stop bitching about their historic September collapse.  Believing that the Yanks fixed their regular-season finale against the Tampa Bay Rays, team representatives sent a formal request to commissioner Bud Selig, who was pleasantly surprised to learn that the playoffs had