Morty: New Athletic Facility Matters

EVANSTON — Following the controversial protests that postponed the groundbreaking for Northwestern’s new athletic facility, university president Morton Schapiro issued a statement saying, “The new athletic facility matters.”

Sources out of Morty’s office report that he has placed the new athletic facility at the top of his list of priorities, directly above talking to rich white people who have a lot of money.

The statement went on to emphasize the importance of the new athletic facility and how it was very difficult for the white males to get the building approved given that Northwestern does not currently own all of the land the building would require.

The statement closed by going on to say that the building is a lot bigger than the Black House and has a lot more glass.


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