After the wildly unsuccessful “Bay of Pigs Internship Program”, it’s only natural that administration is tightening their application requirements.
Tag Archives: Morty
It’s no secret to NU students that the school has problems managing money, from administration blowing millions on football games to continuing to fund the theater program. However, recent statements out of the office of the president indicate that these troubles may be over. When Morty Schapiro went into a budget meeting with several of the financial experts in charge of the university’s endowment with one of those bats with nails in it, reporters were unsure of the outcome. However
At long last, once the new Lakefill is constructed, students will be able to easily access Gary, Indiana for a long-overdue new college town experience.
Thousands of students convened on the Lakefill Friday night for President Morton Schapiro’s much-anticipated mystery announcement. Said Schapiro: “After considering our budget allocations, we realized that we weren’t putting enough towards our students’ mental health. That’s why we’re encouraging students to clear their heads with walk along the beautiful Lake Michigan; which will now be a nature-filled forty-three mile stretch. Go ‘Cats!” Clamorous applause and cheering erupted instantly the moment Schapiro yanked the curtain off his scale model of “Lakefill
“You can get upset at me for what seems to be a blatant breach of fairness in admissions, but you can’t deny the hustle” said Shapiro.
At press time, Morty had reportedly compiled a list of potential stage names for himself, with the frontrunner being “Mo Jonas”.
After months of the budget crisis plaguing the university, Northwestern President Morton Shapiro issued a desperate message to investors not to worry because “In Shapiro-Bucks, we’re fine!”.
“I understand that boys will be boys, but nobody should have to endure the agony of a student a cappella show.”
“I don’t understand how 8,000 undergrads can look at me and only see my ten-billion dollar endowment and multi-million annual salary. I’m, like, a really good listener!”
“Making Northwestern a safe place for incredibly rich shitheads is more or less part of our mission statement,” Schapiro said.