Morty Sends Mass Text: “Pull up 4 vaccine, $5 for dudes, ladies free all night”

At approximately 9:44 pm on Saturday, April 10, President Morton Schapiro sent a text to the Northwestern student body stating simply, “Pull up 4 vaccine. $5 for dudes, ladies free all night.” Morty’s motives for this brazen text are still under investigation, but one source claims that he was “litty off that Henny.”

“I got a vaccine plug from a buddy of mine in Kappa Delta Moderna, and I was just looking to get lit, get wild, and vaccinate some shawties,” Morty clarified in a recent interview, wearing shades and downing two Advil with a Frost Glacier Cherry Gatorade. When pressed about the price of admission, Morty commented, “Sheeeeesh, I was trying to keep the ratio good, y’know? I didn’t want this rager to be a total sausage fest.”

Despite the function’s apparent success, students were concerned as to why only some received the vaccination text. Morty issued a statement assuring that this text was definitely not only sent to the school’s athletes. “Listen, we could only have so many people pull up, and let’s be real, those business majors would’ve killed the vibe. And Medill kids? No drip at all.”

To avoid any and all possible favoritism, future vaccine drops will be available on the president’s private snap: “morty makin movezzz.”

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