Northwestern To Cancel Aggressive COVID Countermeasures, Will Instead Impose Economic Sanctions
Figora and Northwestern are not afraid to stand down in the face of danger
Tag Archives: covid-19
From the Archives: Dr. Frankenstein says Monstrosity will be solved on a “State and Local Level”
Dr. Frankenstein has worked tirelessly for the past year containing the Monster, pushing the German population to observe distancing of 60 meters from the Monster at all times.
“Omi-Cron Kenobi” officially least favorite character in Star Wars/CDC multiverse
Reports from test audiences found Kanobi to “get under people’s skin”.
Local Mobster Can’t Believe You’re Asking Him If He Stole 4,500 COVID Tests On The Day of His Daughter’s Wedding
“Authority. Betrayal. And super-spreader events.”
Northwestern PHA Establishes Kappa Moderna & Moderna Moderna Moderna Chapters
“Have a crush on Dr. Fauci? Come watch some of his press conferences with us!”
“They Cut Me Out, And Now It’s Time To Pay,” Cackles A Third Johnson In New Blackmail Video
“Because of my unbeatable toe fungus, I was the one voted out of the company.”
Morty Sends Mass Text: “Pull up 4 vaccine, $5 for dudes, ladies free all night”
“I got a vaccine plug from a buddy of mine in Kappa Delta Moderna, and I was just looking to get lit, get wild, and vaccinate some shawties,”
Johnson & Johnson Releases Brand New “No More Clots” Shampoo
This new line of shampoo claims to offer the same gentle cleaning and exfoliating properties of regular shampoo, without any of the life-threatening circulatory issues.
Jousting Club Endorses J&J Vaccine: “One Jab Shall Do It!”
“Too long hath these Pfizer and Moderna knaves parried with the virus. They flash thine fancy swords and dance around in thine gilded boots, but those swine’s art COWARDS. Sir Johnson shall end it all in a single blow!”
Color Sends 3 AM Text to Entire Student Body: “You’re Four Days Behind On Your Testing Schedule, Are We Still A Thing?”
“I’ve seen them with someone named NAVICA a lot recently, and I’m worried about our relationship,” said Color. “I heard she goes a lot deeper than me.”