White Allies Second-Guessing Decision to Dress Up for MLK Day
Citing a particularly awkward conversation with a self-tanning salesperson as the source of their worry, white allies Duncan Mertütis and Kimberly Blomquist expressed doubt about their decision to dress up for MLK Day. “We initially wanted to celebrate MLK Day by embracing everything about the great civil rights leader, even dressing up as him. But we then thought dressing up as white minister wasn’t enough to properly depict his empowering visage,” mumbled Blomquist, quietly stuffing a brown bottle of racially-fueled shame into a drawer.
Mertütis and Blomquist originally drew high praise from other white allies for being so progressive as to have a woman portray Martin Luther King. “I did everything. Dry-cleaned my best blazer, stayed up all night memorizing his ‘I Had a Dream’ speech, even going so far to buy a fake mustache with just the right amount of stubble. But one conversation with an African-American friend after I started getting into my costume sent our plans into a tailspin,” stammered Blomquist.
When asked by all of America what in fuck’s name would give them the idea this was a remotely smart gesture, the pair of socially-progressive mentally-backwards white liberals simply stated: “Emma Stone in Aloha.”
At press time, Mertütis and Blomquist planned to formally apologize to the greater community by starring in and offering a free performance of Mulan on the Chinese New Year.