SILICON VALLEY, CA — In a press conference last Monday, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced several new updates to the timeline template, the most noteworthy being a new feature which indicates whether or not the user is an organ donor. “Eighteen people around the world die each day waiting for a heart, liver, or kidney transplant,” said Zuckerberg in a press conference, “and by adding this new feature, I hope to change that. Kind of like Bono and…AIDS, right? Bono does that whole anti-AIDS thing?”

Since no one ever lies on Facebook, Zuckerberg predicts that user profiles will be a 100% universal and reliable tool for surgeons to make organ donor matches as early as next year. Some hospitals, however, have begun to use the feature already, and almost-doctor Mark Thompson of the completely legitimate St. Bernie’s Hospital in Beulah, Mississippi says he made his first patient-donor match earlier this week.

“This drunk fella came in earlier complainin’ a’ stomach-cramps, and I was pretty sure he needed a new liver. All I had to do was a little searchin’ in the Beulah High School network, and I saw that right under ‘Religious Views: Pastafarian’ on Jimmy Creevey’s profile, it said ‘Type A, Organ Donor.’ I asked him if he’d be willin’ to give up some liver on Facebook chat and it was a done deal.”

Almost-Dr. Thompson went on to explain that his patient was relieved to know that not only did the donor have the right blood type, but that he was also “fun guy,” having seen pictures of Creevey doing a beer-bong

from the second story of a barn at Timmy Hatfield’s party last Friday.

Some users, though, have had a less pleasant experience with the donor-request process. Tammy Marquette, a high school student from Columbus, Ohio, was initially a fan of the feature after getting “like omg, over fifty likes!” on her organ donor status update. However, she says she became a little unsettled after receiving friend requests from several older men hoping to evaluate her as a possible kidney-donating candidate for a young relative.

“Normally I would have thought they were creepers, but omg the grandchild thing was so sad! One guy messaged me to say that he really needed me to make my ‘Sweet 16 Pool Party!’ album public so he could complete his evaluation though, which my friends agree is totally sketch.”

Many investors viewed the “organ donor” app as an attempt by Zuckerberg to add value to the Facebook stock before its upcoming IPO. Proponents, meanwhile, applauded Zuckerberg’s efforts to legitimize a website whose current most popular use is the sharing of cat videos.

Critics, however, pointed out that the feature may be “really weird,” and “totally unnecessary,” and many raised concerns about the fact that after 30 days, users who don’t select an organ donor status are automatically made “brain donors.” Hearing this feedback, Zuckerberg became twitchy and blurted out, “no, I’m definitely not trying to make a zombie army to take over the world. That’s definitely not what I’m doing!” before running out of the room.