[His Campus] Reverse Engineering: Brassieres

TECH LR34 – I’ve gotten a lot of emails about my last column (Volume 1, Issue 18: “What to Do When Someone Says ‘Hi’ to You on Sheridan Road”). Many of you had trouble comprehending the diagrams and problem sets. If you would like a copy of the Reverse Engineering teacher’s manual, please send me $50 via PayPal.

This week, we’re addressing your most-requested issue: the mechanics of The Bra. It may be intimidating, but don’t let your inexperience supersede any opportunity to study this phenomena in the field. Today, we’re focusing on the first step, removal.

1. Take off the female’s shirt at an angle between 150° and 210°.

2. Ask her if she is OK.

[At this point, you should be seeing some new stimuli. Please refer to the diagram for reference]

3. Search for the clasping device. It performs two functions: hooking and unhooking. Push clasp (2 cm by 1 cm) towards the back. Unhinge the clasping device.

4. Ask her if she is OK.

5. Slide the brassiere off her body, factoring in material and speed to ensure no discomfort or tension on her part.

6. Keep your protractor in your pants. Tuck it in if need be. Do not let the female know your excitement level is outside the normal bell curve.

Now what? There are a couple of different solutions, but make sure to keep these principles in mind:
• Make Eye Contact (MEC).
• Remember that your homework can wait.
• Do not complain about your homework load or that you have far more homework than everyone else in this school combined.

Next week, I will explain what a “Weinberg” is and how it works.

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