SKOKIE, IL — A family of local Jews buying a Christmas tree were very surprised to find out Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, their Lord and Savior. “We honestly thought the holiday was based around the Santa Claus myth—oops, don’t tell little Joshua I said that,” said local mom Deborah Silvergold. “We decorate the tree, listen to Christmas carols, open presents, and make our Nativity scene. What does that have to do with Jesus?”
The Silvergolds are not alone in their disbelief, however. Many other Jews were not aware the holiday is against their own religious beliefs. One was overheard saying, “We think Jesus was a mensch, but was he our messiah? Feh.”
In addition to their preconceived notions about the origins of Christmas, many Jews are utterly confused on how to celebrate. Instead of the traditional honey-glazed ham dinner and nice family time around a warm fire, Jewish families have been sighted going out for Chinese food and airing their grievances.
Studies have shown trends of Jewish children favoring Christmas over Hanukkah overwhelmingly. “Chwistmas has bigger trees and funner decorations and better songs and grandpa says latkes will clog my arteries,” said Deborah Silvergold’s four-year old son Joshua.
Not to be outdone, Jewish executives have extended Hanukkah into a sixteen-day holiday, encompassing “the twelve days of Christmas, New Year’s, and that fucking black holiday.”