The paranormal need to sample your drinking tendencies doesn’t care for your school’s non-denominational winter break one bit.
The School of Education and Social Policy, or SESP, is the latest Northwestern institution to fall victim to the recent wave of attempted budget cuts. However, President Morty Schapiro was shocked to find out that SESP does not have a budget in the first place. In an official statement, Morty expressed his disappointment in light of this startling turn of events. “Not gonna lie, I’m pretty bummed. I was hoping to cop at least a few thousand,” he admitted. “I
In a surprise move, the White House announced Wednesday that Attorney General Jeff Sessions had resigned to return to his seasonal gig at Santa’s workshop. In a statement read by Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the administration called Session’s departure “regrettable but necessary.” The statement lamented that the Christmas season is starting “earlier and earlier…like, its not even Thanksgiving but CVS is already playing Michael Bublé tracks on repeat.” Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein spoke Thursday about the personal impact
“I’m so glad I came to Northwestern—these are the kinds of opportunities only a top-tier university could offer,” she said, examining her new Cartier diamond watch.
If you’ve already started playing your favorite holiday playlist on Spotify you need to back the fuck up.
Thanks to the unavoidable “Christmas creep,” Cyber Monday, and this year’s Thanksgiving Day sales, Black Friday no longer signifies the designated celebration of capitalist excess it used to.
Many Jews are utterly confused on how to celebrate the holiday. Instead of the traditional honey-glazed ham dinner and nice family time around a warm fire, Jewish families have been sighted going out for Chinese food and airing their grievances.
DETROIT—Terrorists destroyed the city of Detroit on Christmas Day. Not surprisingly, there has been very little outcry from the rest of the United States. In fact, Americans are rather indifferent to the event. Some even show signs of joy, describing the attack as a “Christmas miracle.” President Obama said Friday that this attack is possibly the best thing to happen to America during his presidency. “Detroit was holding America back from greatness,” the President said in a press conference. “The
WASHINGTON—In a series of events that still remains unclear, the United States military came forward Tuesday and announced that Santa and his sleigh had been shot down by anti-aircraft artillery on December 24th. According to military sources, Santa entered a declared no-fly zone over Israeli airspace at 11:39 PM local time, at which time the Israeli Air Force dispatched two F-16s to intercept Santa. After multiple failed attempts at radio contact, the two aircraft were given the authorization to shoot