Op-Ed: There are Only 25 Days of Christmas and None of Them are in November

*gag noise*

As we enter the third week in November and another person passes me on the street singing Jingle Bells, I’d just like to take a moment to remind everyone that there may be twenty-five whole days of Christmas, but none of them take place in November.

That’s right assholes, it is not yet the Christmas season. Though it may be cold and snowing, the top of my calendar still says November. Freeform will not be playing your beloved Christmas classics until December 1st. You know what that means? It’s too damn early for this bullshit.

If you’ve already started playing your favorite holiday playlist on Spotify you need to back the fuck up. If you’ve already begun watching reruns of your favorite holiday themed episodes of television, you’re literally dead to me. If you’ve already put up your holiday decorations, I will be by later to rip your stupid ass fir tree apart limb from holiday limb. I’ll even chuck all your ornaments out the window while you watch.

Don’t you understand? It’s not Christmas! There’s still a whole other holiday that we have to get through. You literally go home for Thanksgiving break and then come back for even more schooling before December 1st will be here. We are barely in the latter half of November mother fuckers, so keep those pumpkins out. Don’t you even dare trying to replace them with mini Santas, or I will come for you. Believe me, I will.

By all means, when December finally rolls around, blast White Christmas from the rooftops and hang mistletoe from every viable ceiling. Hell, you can even watch the movie Elf for twenty-five days straight for all I care. But until you flip that calendar over, just remember, it’s not fucking Christmas yet you overzealous piece of shit.

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