As Winter Approaches, Republicans Go Feral, Licking Their Lips And Frothing At The Mouth, Ready To Say “Merry Christmas” Instead Of “Happy Holidays”

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. For you, it might be because of the time you get to spend with your friends and family. Or maybe it’s the sense of joy all around you. Or it’s just that you don’t have to think about any midterms for a month. But for Mitch McConnell, Kevin McCarthy, and the rest of the GOP, it’s because they get to say, “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays.”

Most people venture to Target to buy holiday decorations or an artificial tree. But for Ted Cruz, he goes there to destroy all the “Happy Holiday” mugs. He spits in them and then throws them on the ground, breaking them into a million pieces. Then, he buys everything that says, “Merry Christmas” (and a “World’s Best Dad” mug to maintain the illusion that his daughter doesn’t hate him).

Most people join the Salvation Army or donate to a local charity if they feel the giving spirit of the holidays. But Lindsey Graham feels the best way to give back is to hand out mini–Baby Jesuses on the corner of the street in DC. “Just in case you forgot the reason for the season!” he screeches.

Most people enjoy watching movies about Santa and keeping the magic alive for their young children. Marjorie Taylor Greene breaks into elementary schools and declares to every class: “SANTA ISN’T REAL. THE REAL MAGIC IS OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST.” The children cry and she hoots and hollers evilly like the Grinch.

So, as the holiday season approaches, don’t be surprised if you see the GOP licking their lips and frothing at the mouth. They can’t wait to say those two words instead of the other two words. Mitch McConnell’s freeze-ups were actually due to his brain short-circuiting due to excitement, just thinking about saying “Merry Christmas.”

Happy holidays, Flipside!

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