Chris Brown Announces Plan to Beat Up a Member of Every Minority Group

LOS ANGELES, CA — Controversial recording artist and actor Chris Brown surprised everyone today when he announced that his felonious attacks on the Barbadian singer Rihanna and the gay R&B artist Frank Ocean were just teasers for his upcoming series of events, “I Can Destroy Ya: Beating Up Minorities Tour 2013,” signaling that he has finally moved on from physically attacking women in favor of a broader range of targets.

“I’ll admit I used to leave the occasional scar on the face of a lady in the past, but, you know, we all have to grow up one day. Now I feel like I am starting a new era of my life, and I am certainly very excited about it. I am a changed man and I’m ready to prove it,” said the musician about his upcoming efforts. He went on to reveal that he and his crew have prescribed themselves a very busy schedule, promising to beat up at least one minority celebrity per month.

“I already got Caribbeans and gays out of the way, so I might get a Jew next, maybe Adam Levine. But I don’t wanna give anything away, we worked really hard on this and I want it to be a surprise,” he added. “By the way, did you know that Bruno Mars is from Hawaii?”

About the Author

Adam Pecena
Before joining the Flipside, Adam worked as the Czech correspondent for GQ Magazine, where he covered beer, fringe sporting events, and celebrity dating. At Northwestern, he has been voted “Most Likely to Wear Crocs” by his floor mates for three consecutive years. Adam’s career highlights include heroic attempts at reviving 90’s white boy pop with his band “Czech4Lyfe.” In his free time, Adam likes to throw Starbursts at the elderly and read 19th century Russian fiction, preferably simultaneously. Recently, Adam sent a hit man to kill Jordan’s $400 black piranha because he loves killing fish, and hates Jordan.

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