Category Archives: No. 100

Market Research Suggest Mentioning Social Networking Sites Increases Traffic; Facebook

SEATTLE, WA — According to new market research, web contents containing mere references to social networking services generate more traffic and are more likely to go “viral.” Twitter. Lance, Quarts & Associates, a market research firm based in Redmond, Washington, recently published the findings based on a year-long study which tracked online behaviors of 20,000 randomly chosen internet users. Pinterest. The study finds that webpages that contain references to social networking services increase overall website traffic by 34.2 percent and

Biden Tries to Boost National Economy with Meth Lab

WASHINGTON — After a recent fire was put out in the West Wing of the White House, investigators found Vice President Biden and Former President Clinton working on a meth lab to help alleviate the United States’ financial woes. The subsequent investigation and closure of the operation revealed unimagined details about the inner workings of the White House. Biden commented, “Listen, I talked to Bernanke, he kept saying a bunch of bullshit about interest rates and bubbles as if I

No One Claims Free $300 Gift Card; QR Code Only Way to Access Prize

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — A local internet start-up, Business Organization, Ideas, Solutions, and Energy, last week launched a marketing campaign that BOISE President and CEO Mark Thompson could only describe as “a complete and utter failure.” Thompson, whose company strives to provide “strategies, tips, and directions” to improve the efficiency and productivity of businesses worldwide, said his Marketing Intern, Billy Keyman, came up with the idea of giving away a $300 gift certificate as a way to drum up business.

NU Says It’s Only Fair To Have More Fairs

EVANSTON — Northwestern University administrators declared yesterday that the campus will host a record number of fairs this year. Events Management Chair Neil Cordoba foreshadowed some of the future happenings: “We could not help noticing the repeated success of the Activities Fair, the Volunteer Fair, the Jobs and Internships Fair, not to mention our other fairs, so we made a commitment to add a fair number more this year.” Following the Housing Fair in February, a new Louis Hall event

Athletes Find New Performance-Enhancing Drugs From Unlikely Sources

AUBURN, AL — College and professional athletes alike are facing criticism for using deer antler spray to enhance their performance. Football players at big-time SEC schools in particular have allegedly bought and used deer antler spray despite it being considered a performance-enhancing drug. True, it sounds a bit crazy, but down south football is everything! A special Flipside investigation has unearthed the next groundbreaking PEDs that athletes will abuse. 1. Injecting Elephant Tranquilizer Fluid The tranquilizer fluid will be taken

ASG Passes Sweeping Frontera Fresco Line Reform

EVANSTON — After the 2012 student surveys, both North Campus and South Campus members of the Associated Student Government reached an agreement to curb long lines at Frontera Fresco. The compromise represented a significant policy shift for North Campus members in order to appease their more liberal counterparts. “There’s clearly a change in demographics,” said North Campus Minority Leader Mitch Levy. His party has typically supported old-fashioned gender policies (through single-sex Greek houses), advanced interrogation (hazing), and the opposition of

Chris Brown Announces Plan to Beat Up a Member of Every Minority Group

LOS ANGELES, CA — Controversial recording artist and actor Chris Brown surprised everyone today when he announced that his felonious attacks on the Barbadian singer Rihanna and the gay R&B artist Frank Ocean were just teasers for his upcoming series of events, “I Can Destroy Ya: Beating Up Minorities Tour 2013,” signaling that he has finally moved on from physically attacking women in favor of a broader range of targets. “I’ll admit I used to leave the occasional scar on

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