WASHINGTON — After a recent fire was put out in the West Wing of the White House, investigators found Vice President Biden and Former President Clinton working on a meth lab to help alleviate the United States’ financial woes. The subsequent investigation and closure of the operation revealed unimagined details about the inner workings of the White House.
Biden commented, “Listen, I talked to Bernanke, he kept saying a bunch of bullshit about interest rates and bubbles as if I was gonna take a bath or something. Then he told me the truth, that we’re just flat fuckin’ broke.” Biden said it was his duty as Vice President to put this country back on the map, so he went to Clinton for help.
President Clinton, who said he was “itching to get back in this politics hoopty,” agreed that the country needed help. “Shit was really starting to hit the fan so I went to Joe over here and even though he’s always watching The Wire, I told him to hit up Breaking Bad because this is primo.” Clinton said that he and Biden proceeded to get “high as a fuckin’ kite” when the VP had the epiphany of starting their own meth-lab.
“Politicians are always saying how small-business is the backbone of this country, but it looks like they’ve got a case of scoliosis, so me and Bill, like the entrepreneurs we are, knew we could run this thing,” said Biden, who then compared himself to Heisenberg, Noriega, and a “young Rick Rozay before he became a lil’ snitch.”
In three short weeks, Biden and Clinton gained control over 75% of the meth sales in the D.C., Maryland, and Virginia area. The Bureau of Labor speculates that the closing of their meth lab will result in a 5% increase in unemployment due to sheer number of people involved in the ring. Tourists were beginning to complain that they could hear Wu-Tang Clan being blasted from White House speakers at night.
White House security said this operation is unprecedented. “FDR had a pretty elaborate handicap fight club going on and Reagan had his own section where he would laugh at poor minorities, but this is like nothing we’ve ever seen before,” commented special agent and White Chicks star Terry Crews.
Rep. Paul Ryan called Biden’s actions a travesty to the nation, to which Biden responded, “Don’t hate me cuz you ain’t me.” Clinton also retorted, “Don’t talk shit when your widow’s peak is a centimeter from being in Twilight.”
Biden, teary eyed, said, “Four years man, I’ve got four more years left to serve these great citizens and I’ll be damned if I let one small meth fire stop me.” He continued, “I even tried to get Barack in on this shit, I told him that book money ain’t gonna last forever.” The President, unfortunately, was not available for comment.