Some New Building to Be Built on Campus, Costs Gazillions

EVANSTON — Northwestern University administration announced today that construction on some long-awaited expensive building of questionable utility is to finally start next month.

Spokesman of the Department of New Structures, Allyson Spencer, told The Flipside, “This is a great moment for all 25 people that will actually be using this building, and for the 100+ members of the future cleaning and maintenance staff. Thanks to donations from a random wealthy alumnus, we have the opportunity to provide state-of-the-art facilities for the new building, as well as a big panoramic window looking over the lake with a view of the Chicago skyline.”

When asked to elaborate on the reasons for building the clean-cut, unnecessarily elaborate work of a sick architectural mind, Spencer added, “The new addition to our Evanston campus will house faculty and classrooms for some department that already has a building, but these people just love moving all their stuff around. Further, without this building, construction on campus would die. Every day we grow nervous from the very thought of losing the soothing noises of pneumatic drills and the mud on our sidewalks. This building will bring Northwestern one step closer to the great campus experience we have managed to keep up for so long.”

University President Morton Schapiro commented, “It’s always amazing to be able to deliver one of my fun speeches at the opening ceremony, saying how the particular structure will be critical to the future NU campus experience and how it’s a long needed and valuable addition, even though I usually don’t know which lake-facing barely-justifiable beauty I’m standing in front of at the given moment.”

Construction is scheduled to finish in 2017, so that an entire graduating class will wake up early to the pounding and drills, be forced to take round-about detours, and leave campus before the building finally opens.

About the Author

Adam Pecena
Before joining the Flipside, Adam worked as the Czech correspondent for GQ Magazine, where he covered beer, fringe sporting events, and celebrity dating. At Northwestern, he has been voted “Most Likely to Wear Crocs” by his floor mates for three consecutive years. Adam’s career highlights include heroic attempts at reviving 90’s white boy pop with his band “Czech4Lyfe.” In his free time, Adam likes to throw Starbursts at the elderly and read 19th century Russian fiction, preferably simultaneously. Recently, Adam sent a hit man to kill Jordan’s $400 black piranha because he loves killing fish, and hates Jordan.

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