New Sorority Freshman Gains “Pledge Baby 15”

BOBB SECOND FLOOR BATHROOM — Following a Pledge Mom week filled with candy and cookie surprises, Omega Tau Mu freshman Courtney Fields found herself staring at the bathroom mirror, moaning and sobbing.

All week, Fields posted pictures of her awesome gifts to Facebook all with captions such as, “LOVEEE my Pledge Mama whoeva you are <3!!!” Recently, however, Fields changed her tone, posting a picture of her love handles with the caption, “Fuck you.”

Her recent weight gain has really put a damper on the otherwise flawless relationship between Fields and her pledge mom, Rachel Weisman, which consisted mainly of Weisman posting her excitement on Fields’ Facebook wall after bid night and a brief conversation about “those Omicron bitches.”

“I trusted Rachel would only give me low-cal, no-carb gifts that were also delish because she’s a sophomore and knows about that stuff! How could she not think about my figure? Now all the Tappa Tappa Keg pledges I totes sit with in Geological Hazards say I must have joined Mega Cow Moo!” said Fields between sniffles.

Weisman defended her gifts, retorting, “Usually when you give three Chips Ahoy packages as a present, it’s assumed they’re meant to shared with a large number of people. Any OTM pledge worth her feathered boa and sparkly tiara knows better than to eat more than one-sixteenth of a Famous Amos in one sitting.”

At press time, Omega Tau Mu had kicked Fields out of the sorority for being “too fat,” and Fields responded by knocking out the last of her Snickers stockpile.

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