ATLANTA, GA — Following their botched reporting of last Tuesday’s Boston Marathon bombings, during which the once-venerable network continually reported unverified (and untrue) claims as fact, cable news outlet CNN has announced a controversial plan to formulate and launch a terrorist attack on US soil. Cable News Network’s parent company Time Warner hopes that by planning and executing a deadly, meticulous strike themselves, CNN’s reporters will actually be able to get the facts right this time.
According to verified sources speaking to the BBC, AP, The New York Times, and The Washington Post, the burden of the assault will fall mainly on junior reporter Nathaniel Miller, who (following a carefully-scripted procedure), will pick the target, carry out the attack, hide for a day, and finally be shot while resisting arrest. Miller’s superiors have commanded the 27-year-old reporter not to deviate from the timeline in any fashion, God forbid they announce that he’s been arrested while he’s still on the “frantic getaway attempt” phase of the plan. Again.
Concurrently, veteran reporter Anderson Cooper, considered by many to be the only person left at CNN with a single ounce of fucking integrity, will be strategically featured as the only person on screen for the whole period, delivering rote updates while wondering if Reuters is hiring.
UPDATE – 11:34 AM: This just in, CNN is finally reporting on claims that CNN is formulating a terrorist attack. Producers for Wolf Blitzer’s “Situation Room” have tweeted a photo of network founder Ted Turner instead of the bomber.
UPDATE – 12:52 PM: Eyewitness reports of an isolated explosion along a rural highway have been verified. The New York Times is first on the scene.