BREAKING: Keys Lost!

EVANSTON — Medill freshman Charlene Deering misplaced her dorm room key ten minutes ago. She is currently kneeling outside of Elder, rifling frantically through her backpack. Students are passing by and she is recruiting them to search the surrounding area for her missing key.

School of Communication freshman Annie May Swift, one such helper, took a break from searching a shrubbery to say, “I’ve always been terrified of losing my key, so when I heard–shit, what’s her name? Oh right, Ilene–when I heard that Ilene had lost her key, I immediately began searching.” She added, “Most of the people helping just scanned the ground, but I went straight for the bushes and got down on all fours, because I’m not afraid to do the hard jobs.”

Ilene’s Peer Advisor, Marjorie Weinberg, went a step further. “I told my PA group that if they needed anything–ANYTHING–they could call me. So when Charlene called me and said her key was missing, I immediately got her class schedule for the day and went to every single one of her classrooms and the Sargent dining hall,” Weinberg told reporters. “I even followed the route Charlene takes to get to each of her classes, but sadly no luck.”

Ilene’s CA, Graphic Design sophomore Robert McCormick, quickly printed up flyers with pictures of the key and sent other freshmen from the hall to post them around campus. “I just wanted to do my part to get the word out and help Ilene be reunited with her room key as soon as possible,” said McCormick. “I believe that if the student body is made aware of the situation, they will come together and solve this crisis.”

A hotline has been set up and operators are now on standby. If you have any information regarding Deering’s missing key, please call 1-800-368-6348. That’s 1-800-FOUND-IT.

UPDATE: The missing keys were found several minutes after press time in the pocket of Deering’s shorts, where she had placed them this morning.

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