US Government Spying on Everyone and Their Mom

FORT MEADE, MD — The diplomatic fallout following former National Security Agency contractor Edward J. Snowden’s revelation that the NSA had been harvesting documents and personal information from US citizens intensified on Friday, when 12-year old Mary Moneypenney found a bug in her mother’s car.

“At first she thought it was just a regular bug, but then she noticed it was made of metal, and gave it to me,” said her mother, Vesper Moneypenny. “I couldn’t figure out what it was, but my husband James identified it as a bug bug.”

After the Moneypennys announced the discovery of the arthropodian surveillance device on local news networks, he NSA issued a response on their website, calling the discovery of the bug “a sham.” “It is merely a bug,” insisted NSA Director and US Army General Keith B. Alexander. “Everyone and their mother have never been, are not, and will never be under constant surveillance by the US Government. Probably.”

Since then other moms have reported discovering bug bugs in their vehicles, hair, showers, bras, beds, and contraceptives.

“This is completely unacceptable,” said self-proclaimed soccer mom and Bethesda Public Schools PTA President Dakota Madison. “It really bugs me that the government is bugging so many resources to spy on their allies and citizens. I mean not that the PTA meetings aren’t a soap opera in and of themselves, but mainly I just go to Starbucks and Pure Barre classes.”

“It’s like being snowed-in. I just feel so trapped by all the surveillance the government does,” claimed another outraged citizen, Krystal Banks. Banks proudly tweeted her “snowed-in” pun, posted a selfie of herself saying it on Facebook, and also blogged every detail of her existence on Tumblr.

The government could not be reached for comment. They might still be shut-down, or just back to their usual incompetence. It’s hard to tell, really.

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