Crack-Selling Sophomore Changes DM Fundraising Tactics

EVANSTON — In light of the recent Dance Marathon Half Money deadline, the Flipside decided to catch up with Weinberg sophomore Stephen McClaren, who gained some notoriety earlier this year selling crack cocaine to finance his campaign. After his Evanston market saturated, McLaren was forced to overhaul his strategy.

“Crack kinda ran dry, I guess,” McClaren explained. “The thing with drugs is that they get old after a while. People want something new and exciting. That’s where I got my next idea.”

Inspired by the television series Breaking Bad, McClaren began selling blue methamphetamine. This concoction is little more than trailer park-style meth with blue food coloring, but it’s a hit with Walter White fans everywhere.

“I didn’t feel like taking the time to learn all the chemical reactions like ol’ Walt did, so I just tossed some cleaning products in together and did it Kentucky-style. People loved it.”

McClaren’s sales began in the Evanston area but quickly expanded across the country. In order to protect his formula, McLaren travelled coast to coast to personally deliver his prized product. As his consumer-base broadened, forecasters predicted his DM fundraising total would surpass the Northwestern Endowment Fund by early February, with high-end forecasts on par with the construction budget for the new SPAC.

McLaren’s success, though, was short-lived.

“I was in Toronto meeting with the big guy [Toronto mayor Rob Ford], and things went all wrong. He told me to meet him in the McDonald’s bathroom at lunch, and when it was 12:15 and he still wasn’t there, I knew something was up. He tried to warn me by tossing me a ketchup packet with “cops” written on it when he finally did arrive, but by then it was too late. The SWAT team showed up and got both of us.”

McClaren was found guilty on counts of possession and intent to distribute and sentenced to ten years in federal prison. To date, there have been seven more busts involving his famous blue meth and eleven arrests. One fatality has also been reported: New Jersey governor Chris Christie thought the meth was actually rock candy and ate it.

About the Author

Jordan Villanueva
Jordan enjoys watching Lizzie McGuire reruns on Sundays while eating stale bread with his grandmother's ashes. They add a certain flavor similar to cardamom and not dissimilar to cumin. However, Jordan's favorite spice is actually nutmeg because it reminds him of long winter nights in Argentina. It was in Argentina where Jordan worked as a nude model at the Universidad de Buenos Aires. It was in Buenos Aires that he met the love of his life, Lolita, but she tragically left him to return to Canada. Broken-hearted, Jordan now devotes himself to his work with the Northwestern Flipside and his YouTube cooking show.

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