EVANSTON — Right now, as you read this article, key members of the Northwestern University administration are actively working to conceal evidence of a large and ongoing university-wide scandal that will affect and offend you in about ten years.
“I would suggest that Northwestern students try to get a job or internship as soon as possible, because your degree will pretty much be garbage once this leaks,” said a University official who refused to be named although you will certainly know his name after the scandal leaks in 2024.
“I really just hope that we can keep a lid on this until I die, which is pretty feasible,” said a healthy 23-year-old secretary at the Feinberg School of Medicine as he carefully coached his coworkers on how to feign gross incompetence in the event of an investigation.
“We’re not bad people and we didn’t start this,” said a high-ranking Northwestern faculty member who the reporters of 2024 will agree was a bad person who started the scandal.
“On the bright side, a Medill student might bust the story on this one, which would definitely guarantee some sort of Pulitzer,” said a major Northwestern University official as he gingerly fed documents into a paper shredder.
“I look forward to earning the first Pulitzer for Sherman Ave,” confirmed Sara Lin, a 7-year-old child who will be a freshman at the Medill School of Journalism in a decade.
“Luckily, none of this could reflect poorly on our athletic department or our past athletic accomplishments. Those beauties will remain the unstained jewels of Northwestern University after everything else goes to shit,” said a masked Chris Collins. He proceeded to shoot and kill a witness of the scandal.