EVANSTON — Northwestern University housing officials have opened an inquiry into the state of dorm laundry services after a student was caught attempting to perform an exorcism in the laundry room. The student, a Plex resident who preferred to remain anonymous, believes the laundry room is haunted.
The resident said, “There’s just so many factors that point to this being of supernatural origin. From the washers that rumble violently and never finish on time to the dryers that only give you damp clothes after the first cycle, it’s clear to me that the machines are being haunted by a ghost. A ghost who is very possessive of clothing.”
Asked if it was possible the machines were simply malfunctioning, she responded, “Absolutely not. This sort of thing has been happening for years. If it were a service issue, certainly it would have been fixed already, no? Right?”
Mac-Gray, Northwestern University’s official laundry machine supply and maintenance contractor, issued a statement in response, reading:
“There is nothing wrong with our laundry services. They are perfectly adequate for what the University pays us. Our research indicates that among students who use a Mac-Gray machine, 100 percent will use one again in the next four years. If the University wishes to pursue these ‘supernatural’ claims, our company is licensed to perform exorcisms for the price of only 25 dollars. We will even charge only 25 more dollars to do another one, just in case the first one didn’t work.”
When Mac-Gray officials were asked if “supernatural forces” were also causing the change machine in Plex to return 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel for every dollar instead of the industry standard 4 quarters, they collectively chuckled.
“No, that’s just there to fuck with people,” said one.