Northwestern Launches “Mortcoin” Cryptocurrency

EVANSTON — Capitalizing on the recent popularity of digital currencies such as Bitcoin, Dogecoin, and Coinye, Northwestern University has launched Mortcoin, a new cryptocurrency. This digital currency, named for the beloved university president, is quickly becoming the preferred method of monetary transactions between students and the school.

The currency has received a warm reception so far, with many students calling it a “welcome addition to meal points, Munch Money, laundry credits, printing credits, vending machine credits, and all of the school’s other attempts to separate us from physical, non-expiring dollars.”

Unlike typical cryptocurrencies, which are earned through a digital “mining” process, Mortcoins are directly distributed and controlled by the university. According to Vice President of Student Affairs Patricia Telles-Irvin, the athletic department has implemented Mortcoin as compensation for student-athletes, which school officials assume will finally end that debate once and for all. Northwestern’s Math department has also embraced the currency, offering rewards to TAs who deliver lectures in clear, comprehensible English. Students not playing sports or teaching math can earn Mortcoins by reading the weekly “Northwestern News” email blast.

So far, all such Mortcoins have gone unclaimed.

Mortcoin is already accepted as payment at many on-campus locations, and administrators have promised to make more available soon. Frostbite Express rides will cost 3 Mortcoins going forward, and for a mere 10 Mortcoins students can reduce SafeRide wait times to under an hour. Mortcoins can also be used to extend the $9.00 period for equivalency meals an extra fifteen minutes for those nights when you were “totally checking out before 7:30; the lady was just being slow.”

As of press time, students were negotiating the use of Mortcoin during Dance Marathon for additional rations of saltines and baby powder.

“We’re really excited to get this program up and running,” commented President Morton Schapiro. “We’re hoping by next year students will be able to exchange their Mortcoins for Norbucks Bucks and Frontero Dineros.”

“Hell, if we start feeling generous you might be able to use Mortcoins to keep Blackboard working during finals.”

About the Author

Jordan Villanueva
Jordan enjoys watching Lizzie McGuire reruns on Sundays while eating stale bread with his grandmother's ashes. They add a certain flavor similar to cardamom and not dissimilar to cumin. However, Jordan's favorite spice is actually nutmeg because it reminds him of long winter nights in Argentina. It was in Argentina where Jordan worked as a nude model at the Universidad de Buenos Aires. It was in Buenos Aires that he met the love of his life, Lolita, but she tragically left him to return to Canada. Broken-hearted, Jordan now devotes himself to his work with the Northwestern Flipside and his YouTube cooking show.

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