The Top 5 Treats to Look for on Halloween

1. An apple. You know what they say: an apple a day keeps the doctor away. These super-fruits are super-full of fiber. So when someone drops that Granny Smith into your bag, they’re not only saving you tons of dollars on medical expenses, they’re also keeping you regular! Thanks apples!

2. Candy Corn. There are few things on Earth that compare to that waxy delicacy known as candy corn. This edible candle almost achieves perfection in and of itself, yet somehow when it is dropped loose into your bag and mixes with dirt inside it, it achieves a whole new level of greatness. Yes sir-eee, nothing compares to a handful of dirt-covered candy corn.

3. A family photo. Sure, some cynical people may believe that whoever gives you a family photo is just throwing in the first thing they grab, but these treats mean so much more than that. When someone gives you a picture of their family, it means that they want you to feel loved and important. When you walk away from their house, they want you to feel as if you yourself were a Robinson at heart.

4. A rock. Who doesn’t love a good rock? A rock is much better than a piece of candy because a rock is a lifelong companion. You can share secrets and experiences with your rock, it can be your pet and your friend. And unlike your second grade goldfish, it won’t die if you forget to feed it. Someday it may even be best man at your wedding. Now that’s what I call a great Halloween treat.

5. A heaping pile of shit. By far, the best thing someone can give you on Halloween is a nice, warm piece of fecal matter. For one thing, it is extremely personal; it came out of someone’s body and that person just gave it to you. He or she is giving you a piece of their person. That creates a real bond that no one can destroy. Not only that, but it works great for compost and fertilizer. This little piece of shit will not only save you money on gardening, but since it is so environmentally friendly, it can actually help you save the earth. Feces truly are a wonderful thing.

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