NFL Pressures Cleveland Browns to Change Name

CLEVELAND, OH — In what appears to be the next step in the National Football League’s recent public relations campaign, Commissioner Roger Goodell announced this week a new initiative to help clean up the football league’s troubled image. Among the casualties, it seems, is the name of Cleveland’s beloved football team.

In a press conference after the Browns’ unexpected win over the lowly Atlanta Falcons, Team President Alec Scheiner confirmed reports that Commissioner Goodell had indeed asked him last month to change the obviously offensive name of the storied franchise. “We were on my yacht, sailing around the Caribbean as everybody does this time of year, when Roger tells me, ‘This will help make football wholesome again.’”

According to Scheiner, the deal was sealed with an awkward bro hug and the sharing of cigars wrapped in the deeds of several orphanages that had been cleared to make room for stadiums.

Goodell told The Flipside, “The word ‘Browns’ simply has too many negative connotations. It’s not just that the color is synonymous with dirt and filth. We don’t want people to think that our league hates both Indians and Indians!”

The sport has been rocked by scandals ranging from domestic abuse to lack of protection of players to more domestic abuse. When asked about this, Goodell, with whom The Flipside was able to get an exclusive interview, responded by saying, “Oh, I think we’ve been doing a great job protecting our players. Not even a quarter of the allegations and incidents that have been brought to my desk have surfaced to the media yet.”

When asked whether the NFL had a culture problem, Goodell said, “I personally find the permanent head injuries and the rape allegations and the beer, Viagra, and tits commercials to be pretty endearing, but it really eats at me when I hear the announcers say Redskins or Browns like it’s just some other word. If the NFL is going to make itself out to be worthy of its generous government subsidies, something inexcusable like a mildly offensive team name cannot be allowed.”

The NFL has not yet released a statement on whether “Viking” is considered a pejorative.

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