“People started calling us performative. And I said ya know what, if you’re going to call us performative, we might as well lean into it.”
Siemian successfully completed 18 of 26 sales calls, and personnel manager Gary Kubiak called one of those calls “touchdown quality.”
Dubbed “crossbow-gate,” the Patriots’ latest tactic is projected to push the odds to the Patriots’ favor. Studies show that football teams that use crossbows win 97% of the time against teams that do not use crossbows.
Sports analysts predict the New Orleans Naked People could potentially end up with the Vince Lombardi trophy this year.
“The word ‘Browns’ simply has too many negative connotations. It’s not just that the color is synonymous with dirt and filth. We don’t want people to think that our league hates both Indians and Indians!”
Walters predicted that the Jaguars would draft an actual jaguar with the third overall pick. “I don’t think there’s a rule football players need to be human. The Jaguars will never lose again with this pick!”
We’ve rated Northwestern’s top 100 prospects, from the good to the bad to the nonexistent. Just like the NFL draft, we’re not picking any RBs and we’re definitely not picking Kain Colter.
The Flipside predicts a 28-21 Seattle victory in Super Bowl XLVIII, based on the fact that sea hawks (Pandion haliaetus) can fly and broncos (Equus ferus caballus) cannot.
“It’s been a really exciting season so far,” proclaimed Goodell. “There’s that one guy who’s in a little trouble with the law. Then there’s the one whom everyone loved, but he’s not doing very well this year. Oh, and that other guy is having a great season!”