West outlined the positions he was looking to fill in a long series of tweets. “I need interns to drive my Benzes around, even when I am not in them… I need interns to act as food testers… I need interns to feed me grapes while I listen to my own albums…”
Starting this winter, students will have the option of working for Taiwanese manufacturer Foxconn in a “hands-on” role designed to “give students valuable media production experience” by having them produce DVD cases, Kindles, and iPods.
“It’s been a really exciting season so far,” proclaimed Goodell. “There’s that one guy who’s in a little trouble with the law. Then there’s the one whom everyone loved, but he’s not doing very well this year. Oh, and that other guy is having a great season!”
The Latin Kings, an international organized crime gang based in Chicago, have been recruiting more students at Northwestern than the religion of Christianity.
“This is GREAT news!” said Weinberg sophomore George Philburn, Bobb resident. “It’s such a chore to have to walk all the way into Evanston to get some booze. Now I can get hammered before my Orgo lecture. That should really help the information set in.”
With registration for Northwestern University’s 40th annual Dance Marathon closing Oct. 25, many students are debating the merits of dancing for 30 hours. The Flipside asked proponents of two opposing viewpoints to present a list of reasons for and against participating in DM.
“Where will we stop next?” Couric tweeted. “I don’t know, but I’m really looking forward to some Edzo’s! #NOM #OSUSucks #alsoWisconsinandMinnesota”
“When I come in and grab my grilled cheese and look out at all of the people sitting together whom I don’t know,” said Monroe, “I really don’t get that phased. That just means I can text my mom or read the newspaper.”
NU PETA has launched a campaign in protest of the situation.
Silverman went on to explain that while the demand for other majors may wane in the future, the need for Mohels will be constant. “Engineers are all going to be unemployed once the economy collapses, doctors are all going to be replaced by pills one day. But, as long as Jews keep making baby boys, there are going to be good jobs for Mohels.”