Super Bowl Preview: Seahawks Will Fly away with Victory, Gouge out Broncos’ Eyes

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — The Flipside predicts a 28-21 Seattle victory in Super Bowl XLVIII, based on the fact that sea hawks (Pandion haliaetus) can fly and broncos (Equus ferus caballus) cannot.

Sea hawks, also known as ospreys, normally feed on fish, but on Sunday the voluminous raptors will make an exception and feast on Denver’s large bronco population. With a wingspan of nearly six feet, the sea hawks boast a strong defense that will only be aided by the team’s ability to fly, squawk loudly, and see fish swimming underwater. The sea hawks will use their barbed talons to tear into the broncos’ faces, gouging out the horses’ eyes, thereby rendering their opponents’ offense ineffective.

Broncos, meanwhile, have their own drawbacks that increase the likelihood of the sea hawks’ victory. By definition, broncos are untrained horses, and their lack of training could result in an inability to play football according to the complicated NFL rulebook. In addition, broncos habitually buck, which could lead to issues of ball security. If Peyton Manning and Knowshon Moreno don’t each fumble once when faced with the swooping wings of their foes, the broncos can consider the game a success.

Nevertheless, broncos do have some advantages over sea hawks. The equine beasts are much larger than their avian enemies, and should they manage to tackle a sea hawk to the ground—particularly Russell Wilson—their strong hooves would be able to crush the bird with a single blow. Furthermore, their sleek, coppery coats will attract the adoration of the crowd more effectively than the dull feathers of the osprey.

For these reasons, the sea hawks will win a close game against the broncos, 28-21. The horses will dash ahead to an early lead, but once the ospreys get used to hunting their new prey in the novel habitat of MetLife Stadium, Denver will lack an answer for their swarming defense and high-flying offense. Seattle will tie the game 21-21 midway through the third quarter before Marshawn Lynch grasps the ball in his talons and flies it to the end zone for the game-winning touchdown.

Of course, everything depends on the weather. Snow and cold would definitely favor the bucking broncos, as sea hawks tend to migrate to warm climates in the winter.

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