Phonathon Student Calls Chester Hanks

EVANSTON—It was the first day at Northwestern University Phonathon for Shannon Wells, WCAS ’17, last Tuesday. Like any eager, purple-clad, Northwestern student, she said, “I was super excited to get in contact with alumni passionate about their alma mater and make some money for NU.” But her face said it all. She just wanted to earn minimum wage via the glorious technology of automatic dialing.

“It started out like any other day. Well, it was my first day, but…anyway, I sat down in my chair and let the phone go through the list of numbers. And all of a sudden, it was him. Chester. Marlon. Hanks.” NU Class of 2013 alum Chet Haze is the critically acclaimed rap artist Chet Haze. The reason-Tom-Hanks-has-frolicked-down-Sheridan Chet Haze, AKA the spawn of Forrest Gump’s loins. 105-days-clean-of-cocaine Chet Haze. 

“Anyway,” she continued as she aggressively reached the fetal position, “the phone just kept ringing and he didn’t pick up. The moment had passed. The numbers, they were all in front of my face! 2, 6, 3, 4; I could memorize 150 digits of pi in the eighth grade, but when push comes to shove I can’t stalk Chet Haze with the information right in front of my face?! When he didn’t pick up, the phone just went on to the next number and I couldn’t remember! I couldn’t remember. So I took a deep breath and tried to continue my job. And I saw that the next name was ‘Roberta Buffett’. And I was just like Roberta Buffett? Who is this Roberta Buffett character who dare follow in my Chet’s wake?!” I nodded in total agreement and understanding.

“And then she just nonchalantly said, like, I would like to donate just over 100 million dollars to this prestigious university, my alma mater, Northwestern.” 

Wells responded, “Well, fuck you! Unless you know Chet Haze, then…” The rest of Wells’ response, telling Buffett where exactly she could put her $100 million, was too disturbing and profane to publish.

Shannon lost her job that day, setting a historical record for shortest employment at Northwestern phonathon. Her hallmates say they can still sometimes hear her muttering those lost digits of Chet’s number as she fades into the sleepless night, trying to remember the perfect combination that will finally unite her with Chet Haze…2, 6, 3, 4, 6, 6, 6…

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