BREAKING: Jewish Mom Pesters Son

NASSAU COUNTY, NY – Reports out of Nassau County show that Jewish mother Sharon Schultz-Bergman was shockingly pestering her son Jacob, WCAS ’19, when he came home for Winter Break.

After being away from his parents for the past two and a half months, Jacob had grown used to his newfound freedom. “I’ll be honest; I wasn’t expecting the level of nagging I got as soon as I came home,” he said, “I was pretty much on my own at school, living on my own terms. Sure, my mom called about once an hour every day, but that’s what voicemail’s for.”

Jacob told The Flipside that immediately upon getting picked up from the airport his mom began to criticize his scraggly dress, shoes, and apparent lack or organization. He recalled being assaulted by questions regarding his grades, workload, sleeping and hygiene habits, as well as concerns over getting into a good medical school.

Things took a turn for the worst when Sharon brought up his sex life at the dinner table. “I really shouldn’t have made my condom purchases on a credit card,” he said ruefully, “Big mistake…”

According to Sharon, “I don’t care about how much sex he’s having, I’m just worried that he’s not going to find a nice Jewish girl to marry when he graduates. He doesn’t go to enough Hillel events, and he’s not rushing that fraternity thing. What if he never finds the right girl? Or worse, he could end up marrying a GENTILE!”

Jacob is planning on spending his next few breaks in more welcoming places than his mom’s house, such as France and Syria.

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