Op-Ed: Will You Be My Valentine and Co-Sign My Loan?

It’s Valentine’s Day, baby, and love is in the air. Today’s the day that all the smooth gentlemen in this fine land find a honey to make passionate love with. When I look at you, girl, I just want to ask: will you be my valentine and co-sign my loan?

I just crave your devotion, sweet thing, as well as your legally-binding signature on my car loan. I want to see you gently slide the tips of your fingers across my body, just like I want you to slide the tip of your pen along the dotted line guaranteeing my debt in case I default.

There’s nobody sexier or more financially solvent than you, baby, and this Valentine’s Day I want you to feel special. That’s why I booked a love suite for two all night at the most luxurious hotel in town and made a dealer financing appointment at Crazy Dave’s Chevrolet across the street for the next morning. Too sensual for you yet?

The truth is, I don’t know what I’d do without your body tonight, sexy lady, and I really don’t know what I’d do without your respectable credit score allowing me to purchase this car. I want to take the love train to pleasure town with you as badly as I want to avoid taking the train to work every day with random commuters and homeless people.

So what do you say, my goddess? Will you be my valentine and co-sign my loan? I promise we can make tonight last an eternity and your financial obligations on my 2009 Chevy Malibu last until December 31, 2023.

About the Author

Michael Miller
Michael Miller is a graduate of the Culinary Institute of America, where he wrote a thesis on the merits of Dippin' Dots. It was wildly unpopular in the scientific community, as most readers preferred Fro-Yo. He enjoys salad with grapes, but without the salad parts, and the grapes are fermented. He enjoys glasses of wine. The most shocking part of Michael's life is that he is an avid St. Louis Cardinals fan. Michael hopes to one day open a Dippin' Dots stand in Busch Stadium sot hat he can provide The Ice Cream of the Future to his brothers in red.

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