NU Landscaping Tells Terrified Morty About the Birds and the Bees

Repeatedly stopping to calm down the jittery college president, sources reported today that Northwestern landscaping officials told Morton Schapiro all about the birds and the bees.

“We were just going through our routine annual run-down of springtime animal populations on campus, but for some reason Morty was really on edge this year. I think it’s something about what he heard in health class,” facilities manager Rob Murphy said.

Morty clarified to reporters that he is merely going through an awkward stage in his life.

“Look, recently I’ve just been getting a weird tingling in… actually, it’s nothing.” Morty said, his face blushing and voice cracking. “I listened to Rob talk about the birds and the bees and I was totally cool about it.”

At press time, Morty was quickly averting his gaze as a group of female provosts walked by.

About the Author

Michael Miller
Michael Miller is a graduate of the Culinary Institute of America, where he wrote a thesis on the merits of Dippin' Dots. It was wildly unpopular in the scientific community, as most readers preferred Fro-Yo. He enjoys salad with grapes, but without the salad parts, and the grapes are fermented. He enjoys glasses of wine. The most shocking part of Michael's life is that he is an avid St. Louis Cardinals fan. Michael hopes to one day open a Dippin' Dots stand in Busch Stadium sot hat he can provide The Ice Cream of the Future to his brothers in red.

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