Northwestern Student Arrested After Unlawfully Removing Fruit from Dining Hall

Placating the fears of the Northwestern campus and Evanston community, Northwestern police commissioner Bruce Lewis confirmed to reporters at a press conference today that Bennett Dungy, WCAS ’20, has been arrested for unlawfully removing several pieces of fruit from Sargent Dining Hall.

“At 6:27 p.m. last night, our officers responded to a call placed by an unnamed Sodexo worker who reportedly saw Dungy removing two bananas and a pear from Sargent. We immediately sent a SWAT team to secure the perimeter, and our brave officers apprehended him with minor incident,” Ellis said standing next to a table displaying the confiscated fruit.

“Let this be a warning to all other lawless fruit felons looking to steal fruit from our dining halls,” Ellis continued. “You have nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. We will find you, and we will stop you.”

At press time, Dungy was reportedly being interrogated at an undisclosed NUPD black site and could not be reached for comment.

 

About the Author

Michael Miller
Michael Miller is a graduate of the Culinary Institute of America, where he wrote a thesis on the merits of Dippin' Dots. It was wildly unpopular in the scientific community, as most readers preferred Fro-Yo. He enjoys salad with grapes, but without the salad parts, and the grapes are fermented. He enjoys glasses of wine. The most shocking part of Michael's life is that he is an avid St. Louis Cardinals fan. Michael hopes to one day open a Dippin' Dots stand in Busch Stadium sot hat he can provide The Ice Cream of the Future to his brothers in red.

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