NUPD Shuts Down Late Night Sheridan Construction Bulldozer Fight Club

After a 3 a.m. raid took down the underground criminal enterprise, Northwestern Police announced at a press conference today that it has shut-down the notorious Late-Night Sheridan Road Bulldozer Fight Club (LNSRBFC).

ā€œOur tactical operations team ambushed the LNSRBFC during one of its deadly Dozer Deathmatches, arresting key group leaders ā€˜Fury Foremanā€™ Roger Beckham and Michael ā€˜Maniac Mortar Manā€™ McKinness. The message is clear: brutally splitting non-union construction workers in half with a bulldozerā€™s metal blade has no place at Northwestern.ā€

An anonymous former member of the LNSRBFC, known only as the ā€œCaterpillar Killer,ā€ told the Flipside that heā€™s glad the group was finally brought to justice.

ā€œIā€™ll never forget getting thrown from my ā€˜dozer during the Sheridan-Noyes Intersection Vivisection Cage Match,ā€ he said. ā€œI damn near got shredded by the multi-shank ripper on Maniac Mikeā€™s machine. Thatā€™s when I realized how truly sick these people are.ā€

Sources have further alleged that Northwestern President Morty Schapiro was seen fleeing the raid wearing nothing but a hard hat and bloodied neon vest.

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