Transplanted Square of Landscaping Grass Longs for Soil of Home

A tile of landscaping grass recently slapped over a dirt patch near Garret Evangelical Theological Seminary has reported feeling lost and homesick on Northwestern’s campus.

“I just don’t feel at home here,” said the ludicrously square slice of Kentucky bluegrass. “I miss Bowling Green. I know college is supposed to be about getting out of your comfort zone, but I wish I could go back to the nice southern topsoil I’m used to.”

The landscaping division of Northwestern Facilities Management, which imports roughly two thousand square feet of non-native grass to Evanston every year, has no plans to accommodate the grass square’s ennui.

“Most lawn squares dream of artificially carpeting the campus of a top-15 university,” said a Facilities Management spokesperson. “If the little twerp can’t appreciate this prestigous opportunity, then maybe it should go boo-hooing back to Kentucky.”

In an attempt to help the homesick grass square adjust to life at Northwestern, other nearby grass squares told the homesick grass square that the feeling is temporary, and none of it matters anyway because they’ll all be trampled into mush and snowed under by November.


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