NU Freshman Complains of “Hurricane of Homework,” Retracts Statement

Sources confirmed that a Northwestern freshman redacted an earlier statement in which he casually compared his homework level to a catastrophic natural disaster that kills millions of people. The student in question claimed he was “only trying to seem relatable” and apologizes for the poor word choice.

“Honestly, I just wasn’t thinking,” asserted Dennis Walters, WCAS ‘22. “It’s my bad. Obviously I don’t want to compare the amount of schoolwork I have to an actual hurricane. I didn’t mean to come across as insensitive.”

His statement was made just days after Hurricane Michael devastated the Florida panhandle, with a death toll of at least 17. Walters claimed he was “just joking around” with a group of friends when he let the unfortunate phrase slip out, adding, “I actually do know some people in Florida, so I get why that sounds offensive.”

When pressed further on the issue, Walters said, “Look, nowadays you have to be extra careful what you say. The news can be tricky. Right now it’s hard to be a guy.”

His eyes widened for a moment. “I mean uh,” he clarified quickly, his face reddening, “of course it’s much harder to be a woman. I’m not- I love women. But not in a creepy way. I’m not saying- I just meant white guys matter too. But not in an All Lives Matter way! I, like, totally support bla- er- African-Americans.” At this point he had started sweating profusely. “What I’m trying to say is that everyone is struggling with something. Hurricane victims. Black people. Women. And me too.”

Walters was last spotted walking down the hallway and slapping his forehead.

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