DNA Test: Warren About as Diverse as Northwestern Student Body

A DNA test recently revealed that Senator Elizabeth Warren is between 1/64th and 1/1,024th Native American, making her about as racially diverse as Northwestern.

Junior Karla Driver was comforted upon hearing the news. “I think it’s important to have politicians who make wild and unsubstantiated claims to Native American ancestry,” said Driver, whose A in her freshman-year Gender and Sexuality Studies class entitles her to comment on most social issues.

“We need politicians to look like a classroom on this campus: technically diverse, but for all intents and purposes pretty much just rich white people. If being at Northwestern has taught me anything, it’s that when all different colors of white people come together, we can make deep strides towards racial equality.”

Other Northwestern students were not as quick to applaud Senator Warren’s decision to release her test results. “She still seems pretty white to me,” said student Tricia White, who must be misinformed about the significance of being 1/1,024th Native American. “But she can probably become a number in Congressional diversity statistics now, which is pretty much the epitome of deep institutional change.”

Warren will almost certainly serve as a role model to future Northwestern students, who will be inspired to invoke their ancestral legacy statuses in competitive situations.

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