Freshman Grabs Ambitious Amount of Condoms

In a bold move by freshman Rufus Melvin, witnesses say he grabbed what was described as an “ambitious” amount of condoms from the Searle Health Center.

“Oh dear…” said one medical professional as he watched the prophylactics fall out of Melvin’s pockets.

Melvin reportedly spoke aloud to himself, “I’m gonna be burnin’ rubber like the Indy 500. This should last me through the end of the quarter.” Melvin’s roommate, Rick Rosensplatt, described this as a “gross overstatement.”

Another health care professional is reported to have laughed when Melvin asked if they “had any of these puppies in jumbo size.”

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