The email, which included no capitalization, read as follows: “where is kresge? also, do i need where business casual?”
“I’m gonna be burnin’ rubber like the Indy 500. This should last me through the end of the quarter.”
After making his rounds through the various Sunday dinners hosted by Northwestern fraternities, Star Trek fanatic Kirk Spockard has allegedly found his future brotherhood with “Sci-Fi”.
“I really wasn’t interested in Greek life because it’s inherently problematic and built on a history of racism and misogyny. But also like everyone signed up and I totally didn’t want to feel like a loser.”
She keeps writing little notes with my name and sticking them on my door.”
He has already texted his parents about his date, and he hopes to get coffee on the Lakefill with her before it freezes over.
“He’s trying to pretend he’s Romeo when he comes off as a coked-up Charlie Sheen every time he talks to a girl.”
“I think we’ll all remain friends for most of our time here. Heck, we all wear the same purple t-shirts!”
Sanders is allegedly bewildered by this turn of events.
As she packed her bag to return to her rural Wisconsin home, sources report that she confided to a friend that she “feels insanely stupid” at Northwestern.