Self-Conscious Freshman Isn’t Prepared to Learn That He is the Shortest in PA Group

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As a result of Northwestern’s decision to move freshmen to online only for the fall quarter some of the vertically challenged in the Northwestern community are going to be in for a rude awakening once in person classes resume.

While many students worried about the big picture questions like what to do with their Pinterest vision board (that they spent frankly too much time on), and how to fit all their indie movie posters in their video frame to showcase their good taste, a crucial aspect of the new situation was overlooked: Zoom only shows student’s torsos.

Charles Bentley, a freshman engineering major, spoke on his Wildcat Welcome experience.

“Oh, it’s been great,” said Bentley, “everyone is so inclusive, and I just can’t wait to get on campus and meet them!”

What Bentley doesn’t realize is that his 5’6 frame puts him dead last in height for his PA group. Those “inclusive” friends of his will, reportedly, not be so accepting when they see more than just his Pink Floyd t-shirt and mandala tapestry.

Bentley’s height woes are not an unique experience at Northwestern. That’s why some, like CAPS counselor Angela Debecki are doing something about it.

“We understand that this will be a tough transition for people,” said Debecki, “especially for our shorter students. That’s why we’re launching the Short Queens and Kings of Northwestern program.”

This height inclusive community (except for those above 5’6) strives to help people like Bentley find a community on campus after their “friends” leave them for taller pastures.

At press time, when asked about what he thought of the new initiative Bentley simply ran away crying, yelling “5’6 is average height!” over and over again. 

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