Freshman Trekkie Keeps Saying He’s Rushing Sci-Fi
After making his rounds through the various Sunday dinners hosted by Northwestern fraternities, Star Trek fanatic Kirk Spockard has allegedly found his future brotherhood with “Sci-Fi”.
Read MoreNo. 258
Student Uncertain About Halloweekend Dates Drinks for Two Weeks Straight
Costumes reportedly included timeless classics such as a slutty devil, slutty cat, and slutty alien, but also included throwback outfits like slutty ‘80s workout instructor and topical statements such as a slutty absentee ballot.
Raising Prices 3.6% Only Business Strategy Taught in Kellogg
“I think the 3.6% strategy really synergizes the business owner’s desire to make money and impoverish millennials.”
MTV to Feature Lincoln Dorm on New Episode of “MTV Cribs”
It was only after receiving an email from Northwestern president Morton Schapiro offering the production company a look into Northwestern’s new five-star rated housing that Diaz knew the new season would be a success.
Morty Still Waiting for Class of 2021 to Venmo Him for Hamilton Tickets
After waiting a year for the Class of 2021 to get back to him, Morty Schapiro publicly announced this week that he is still waiting on each and every one of them to Venmo him…
Mysterious “Creature of the Lakefill” Revealed to be Morty Night-Swimming
“I didn’t want to frighten anyone. I just like playing around with the ducks.”
English Major Contemplates Symbolism of Soaked Frat Basement Walls
“If these walls could talk, I bet they’d be telling us that it’s okay to cry sometimes.”
Atwood Receives Lukewarm Response at Keynote From Campus Dudes; “She’d Be Pretty If She Smiled More”
“Don’t get me wrong, she sounds like a great writer and all, but she just seemed so serious. Like, lighten up a little, sweetheart!”
Morty Goes on Secret Tinder Date to the World Series
The two were seen bundled for warmth underneath the romantic lights of a Fenway Park box.