Author Archives: Jared Baas

Local Man Poses as Cardboard Cutout for Three Months to Infiltrate World Series

“The trick is to sit real still and not breathe too much,” describes Bregman, who claims he wanted to get the authentic ballpark experience without the hassle of paying for tickets or obeying pesky federal guidelines. “I got used to not breathing when I pretended to be dead so my kids could claim life insurance,” he said.

New York Jets Dominate Next 4 Games After Realizing They Were Holding Playbook Upside-Down

The New York Jets of the National Football League are gaining increasing media attention following their sudden four game winning streak against some of the toughest teams in the league, which came after they figured out the playbook needed to be flipped around.  Following rumors that NY Jet’s head coach Adam Gase would be removed in the event of another team loss, the ever-scheming playcaller knew he had to whip up something special before taking on the 2-2 Arizona Cardinals.

Forgotten Freshman Survives on Allison Dining Hall Second Floor by Eating Class of ’23 Shirt

Police investigators breathed a sigh of relief last Tuesday after discovering Beinen freshman James Chavez in the second floor loft area of Allison dining hall, surrounded by scraps of the purple Class of 2023 shirt that he had consumed in order to stay alive.  “We found the student heaped in the corner shirtless, experiencing extreme indigestion from eating his clothing,” said Special Investigator Linda Forsythe, who headed the search team that was formed after Chavez’s Peer Advisor Ryan DeShields noted