“Here for a long time, not a good time”
Author Archives: Jared Baas
“I can’t go out in public anymore. People scatter away from me like I’m a shark in a school of minnows, or as if I passed gas on the rush hour train.”
“The trick is to sit real still and not breathe too much,” describes Bregman, who claims he wanted to get the authentic ballpark experience without the hassle of paying for tickets or obeying pesky federal guidelines. “I got used to not breathing when I pretended to be dead so my kids could claim life insurance,” he said.
The New York Jets of the National Football League are gaining increasing media attention following their sudden four game winning streak against some of the toughest teams in the league, which came after they figured out the playbook needed to be flipped around. Following rumors that NY Jet’s head coach Adam Gase would be removed in the event of another team loss, the ever-scheming playcaller knew he had to whip up something special before taking on the 2-2 Arizona Cardinals.
“Once the lights start blinking, it’s a warning to predators and pathogens alike: don’t mess with the Thermoflash.”
Chunks of a plastic Port-A-Potty were strewn across Sheridan Road after students decided to meet up and shoot the shit to decompress on a Friday night.
“The whole thing really started when she called me a moron. I thought fine, if that’s so funny I’ll just take your boron”, said Mrs. Brantley with a chuckle, who has a dual degree in chemistry and poetry.
They say that if you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day, but if you purchase a local Walmart franchise you effectively own all the fish within a two-mile radius.
“Fifteen years later, Dr. Parks has officially earned his doctorate in scatology, or in layman’s terms, the study of poop.”
Police investigators breathed a sigh of relief last Tuesday after discovering Beinen freshman James Chavez in the second floor loft area of Allison dining hall, surrounded by scraps of the purple Class of 2023 shirt that he had consumed in order to stay alive. “We found the student heaped in the corner shirtless, experiencing extreme indigestion from eating his clothing,” said Special Investigator Linda Forsythe, who headed the search team that was formed after Chavez’s Peer Advisor Ryan DeShields noted