Last month I purchased another Walmart property, which happens to be the fifth time in the past year that I acquired one of these fine grocery retailers. It also just so happens to be the fifth to burn down inexplicably. You might be wondering: what would possess me to sink so much of my fraudulent income into operating a brick-and-mortar in the age of e-commerce and near-instant delivery services? I’ve grown tired of sleeping on my mattress full of cash. They say that if you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day, but if you purchase a local Walmart franchise you effectively own all the fish within a two-mile radius. But it’s just no good if the seafood is scorched to soot soon after securing a standout site! Now I’ve got claims agents sticking their noses down my gullet, spouting hoopla about arson and insurance fraud. How am I ever going to get pre-approved for my next property loan with all this attention focused on my assets?
Dear Fireman Freddie,
A fishy story indeed. In fact, I was wondering what would possess you to spend all this money on some Walmart franchises and I think the answer is simple: Satan. It’s no coincidence that the five properties you purchased all create a pentagram when marked out on a map. Not to mention the police reports show security footage of a man fitting your description setting a pile of gas cans and used rags in the corner. The man then proceeded to spear some raw shrimp with a pitchfork, cackle violently and drop a lighter as he ran out the door. The only loan you need is morality because you need to go in for an exorcism.