Ask Flippy: The Walmarts I’m Buying Keep Mysteriously Burning Down, How Do I Get a Property Loan?

Dear Flippy,

Last month I purchased another Walmart property, which happens to be the fifth time in the past year that I acquired one of these fine grocery retailers. It also just so happens to be the fifth to burn down inexplicably. You might be wondering: what would possess me to sink so much of my fraudulent income into operating a brick-and-mortar in the age of e-commerce and near-instant delivery services? I’ve grown tired of sleeping on my mattress full of cash. They say that if you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day, but if you purchase a local Walmart franchise you effectively own all the fish within a two-mile radius. But it’s just no good if the seafood is scorched to soot soon after securing a standout site! Now I’ve got claims agents sticking their noses down my gullet, spouting hoopla about arson and insurance fraud. How am I ever going to get pre-approved for my next property loan with all this attention focused on my assets?

Sincerely,

Fireman Freddie

Dear Fireman Freddie,

A fishy story indeed. In fact, I was wondering what would possess you to spend all this money on some Walmart franchises and I think the answer is simple: Satan. It’s no coincidence that the five properties you purchased all create a pentagram when marked out on a map. Not to mention the police reports show security footage of a man fitting your description setting a pile of gas cans and used rags in the corner. The man then proceeded to spear some raw shrimp with a pitchfork, cackle violently and drop a lighter as he ran out the door. The only loan you need is morality because you need to go in for an exorcism.

Warmest Regards,

Flippy    

Be the first to comment on "Ask Flippy: The Walmarts I’m Buying Keep Mysteriously Burning Down, How Do I Get a Property Loan?"

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.


*